new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
