Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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