I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
