my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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