And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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