Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
