Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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