worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
