I just pynch a tree in the face
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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