the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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