I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
