you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
