The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
