i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We need to get me chipped asap
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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