I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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