Betty ford says i'm here all night
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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