Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
