Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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