Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
