I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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