just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
