please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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