i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
