you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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