i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
