So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
