i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
