??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
