Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Still dying that you shit outside
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
