Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
