At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
