You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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