I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
