I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
