omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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