i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
whose parrot is this?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
