I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
