it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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