Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
