the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
