If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
