Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
