no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
