I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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