She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
