your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
