My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
