Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
