He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I lost the right to judge tonight
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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