On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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