The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
