She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
