You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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