well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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