U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
