If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
