I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
