That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
