I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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