You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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