cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she smelled like a LAN party
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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